


i'm sorry for your loss (but sorry doesn't fix it)

by horrifyingvelociraptor



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, During Canon, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Character Death, Season/Series 07, Shiro (Voltron)-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 20:44:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15737007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrifyingvelociraptor/pseuds/horrifyingvelociraptor
Summary: "Shiro stumbles in a grief-stricken haze to his and Adam's Garrison living quarters - just his now. He flicks the light switch in the kitchen, a cold cup of coffee abandoned on the breakfast bar waiting for Adam's return. Just like Shiro."Shiro copes with the news of his former fiancé's recent death. His teammates rally around him in his time of need.





	i'm sorry for your loss (but sorry doesn't fix it)

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: THIS WORK DEALS HEAVILY WITH THE THEME OF GRIEF. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Shiro stumbles in a grief-stricken haze to his and Adam's Garrison living quarters - just his now. He flicks the light switch in the kitchen, a cold cup of coffee abandoned on the breakfast bar waiting for Adam's return. Just like Shiro.

 

Waiting for the whoosh of the sliding doors parting, waiting for that familiar “ _Takashi…_ ” and the strong arms thrown around his neck that he'd been missing for years, years that felt like an eternity. Years that _would_ become an eternity because Shiro would never hear that voice again. Never feel that embrace again. Never see Adam again.

 

He's still waiting, against all odds, but the coffee doesn't have to wait for someone who'll never get to finish it. He pours it down the sink. It feels kinder that way. He turns on the tap, water pattering against the dull metal. He fills the cup and dumps it out, turning it over under the stream. He leaves it on the draining board.

 

Shiro enters their bedroom, double bed made with Adam's uniform strewn on it, floor immaculate save for the brown boots, quickly kicked off. He had changed into his pilot's uniform.

 

Shiro sinks down on Adam's side of the bed and taps the bedside lamp twice. A golden glow diffuses through the room. He can't tear his eyes from the floor, can't believe that Adam is gone.

 

Memories of the Saturday mornings they spent in that bed surface; Shiro making dad jokes and bad puns just to hear Adam laugh, both of them giggling in between kisses, coffee and French toast in bed.

 

A visceral grief floods his body. Tears well and spill before Shiro can compute their presence.

 

He finds tissues in the bedside drawer. Adam was always meticulous and organized like that. He's choking on sobs, struggling to get a tissue out of the packet between his only hand and his blurry vision.

 

The bedroom door opens, and Shiro blinks hard to dislodge the tears. In semi-clarity is Keith's silhouette, light from the kitchen creating a halo. Shiro shifts down the bed a little as Keith crosses the room.

 

Keith slumps down by his left side and in the closer proximity and better lighting, Shiro can see the moisture on Keith's puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

 

Keith avoids Shiro's eyes by yanking a tissue out of the packet and pressing it into his hand. Shiro holds on before Keith can pull it away and they make eye contact. Keith's grey eyes fill with tears and he erupts like a volcano, sobbing violently, the whole bed shaking in harmony with his heaving chest.

 

The best Shiro can do is pull him close with his remaining arm and let Keith cry against his chest. Seeing his brother so devastated by Adam's loss sets him off again. They've both lost someone important. Shiro starts crying into Keith's black hair, holding him as tight as he can.

 

Keith can barely breathe through his tears but he begins a chant of _I'm sorry, Shiro, I'm so sorry,_ squeezing tight around Shiro's middle.

 

“He told me- he told me not to go. He told me not to go and if- if I did, he wouldn't be here when I got back. I shouldn't have gone.” Shiro manages to get out.

 

Keith sits up and meets his eye, shaking his head. He squeezes Shiro's upper arm as reassurance.

 

“I shouldn't have gone, Keith. I shouldn't- I shouldn't have gone.” Shiro repeats, tears still dripping, soaking into the black fabric of the Garrison uniform on his thighs.

 

Keith shakes his head again with more insistence, drawing a shuddering breath. “Not your fault.” he rasps. “Not your fault, Shiro, none of this.”

 

Keith hugs him again. “I'm so sorry about Adam.” he murmurs and Shiro squeezes his eyes shut. He'll get used to hearing that in a few days.

 

“We broke up. But I wanted to make things right. I wanted to show up missing an arm, with snow white hair and scar across my nose like that fucking fish in Finding Nemo, and tell him he was right with a big smile. And now I can't. Because Adam was always right and he told me he wouldn't be here when I got back and he was right about that too. I can't tell him I thought about him every fucking day for years because he's fucking- he's-”

 

 _Dead_  hurts too much to say so Shiro just leaves the sentence hanging. Keith nods against his shoulder, crying another damp patch onto Shiro's shirt.

 

A sudden knocking startles both of them, Keith jerking away and Shiro keeping his hand on Keith's back.

 

“Come in.” Shiro calls. The door cracks open to reveal Lance, gingerly stepping towards them.

 

“Hi.” he says softly. “I, uh, I heard about your-” Lance, unusually, is nervous, clearly treading on eggshells to avoid upsetting Shiro and Keith when the wound is still open and raw.

 

“I'd pat the bed but unfortunately my only arm is on the other side of my body and currently comforting Keith, so come sit.” Shiro says with as close to a smile as he can manage gracing his lips.

 

Lance perches on the bed. “I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I can't say I know _exactly_ what you're going through but-” he takes a deep breath. “-I just lost my grandmother so I kind of get it.”

 

“I'm really sorry, Lance.” Shiro says sympathetically.

 

“It's ok.” Lance sighs but the flush on his cheeks tells Shiro it's not and he's already cried about it.

 

Keith reaches behind Shiro and takes his boyfriend's hand, squeezing. Lance squeezes back, the ghost of a smile flitting across his mouth.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Keith asks Lance, voice rough and throaty from crying like he's been gargling rocks.

 

Lance nods. “Abuelita was amazing. She made the best churros con chocolate and she gave really warm hugs. I remember her reading to me when I was little, and she taught me how to sew. And she was so _proud_ when I got into the Garrison. Always told me I was so capable.” He sniffles and his cheeks are freshly wet.

 

“I miss her.” His voice cracks and it hits Shiro for the first time in a long while that Lance is just a kid, vulnerable, too young to have been roped into this whole bullshit space war.

 

“C'mere.” Shiro murmurs and Lance rests his head on Shiro's shoulder, trembling and sobbing quietly. Keith reaches over and squeezes Lance's upper arm, then cards his fingers through his hair.

 

Shiro slowly stands, giving Lance enough time to budge over. He sits back down beside Lance and rubs his back in slow circles. Lance buries his face in the crook of Keith's neck.

 

“Tell me about Adam.” Lance says after a few minutes, Keith's fingers still raking through his short brown hair. It's a request rather than a command and Shiro squeezes his shoulder.

 

“He was so smart. Organized and efficient and patient. The perfect cadet. He was the only one of us who could cook. He'd let me chop vegetables but that was it because I'd always set something on fire. He was such a dork.” Shiro huffs a tiny laugh but his eyes are misting over again.

 

“He was hopeless at chess though.” Keith adds, with a rueful smile.

 

“So are you.” Shiro shoots back.

 

Lance snickers from underneath Keith's chin. “Keith's good at Tic-Tac-Toe though, right babe?”

 

Keith kisses the top of Lance's head, chuckling a little. “True.”

 

Hunk says “Knock knock.” out loud as his knuckles rap gently on the door.

 

“Come in,” Keith calls.

 

Hunk steps into the room. “Hey,” he says in the softest voice. “I wasn't really sure if you'd feel up to eating but I made cookies.”

 

He sets the plate down on the nightstand, Shiro's eyes following as it touches down with a hollow clink. Chocolate chip. Adam's guilty pleasure. He knows it's stupid, but just that is enough to cause the sob bubbling in his throat to escape.

 

“Thank you Hunk.” Keith says, barely above a whisper, concerned eyes trained on Shiro.

 

Hunk bites his lip and sinks onto the bed beside Shiro, comfortingly warm hand on his shoulder. Another choked sob, tears flowing again.

 

“Sorry,” Shiro murmurs apologetically, voice strained and rough. “Chocolate chip was his favourite.”

 

“I- I'm so sorry, I- I didn't realize.” Hunk stammers, meeting Keith's eyes across the bed.

 

“No, no, it's- it's ok. It's ok. I guess it's going to be like this for a while. Everything reminds me of him.” Shiro wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, lingering under his nose as he sniffles. Lance hands him a tissue.

 

There's another rapid knock at the door, Pidge appearing before anyone can invite her in. It hits Shiro that, in the Garrison cadet uniform, she's the spitting image of Matt.

 

“Shiro,” she says and she sounds as heartbroken as he feels. “I'm sorry.”

 

He meets her shining hazel eyes for a millisecond before she jumps into his lap, hugging him tight. “I'm so sorry.”

 

Pidge ends up sitting on the floor, hugging Shiro's shin, with her knees to her chest.

 

Keith is crying quietly in bursts. Lance, also in tears, holds his boyfriend to his chest, playing with his dark hair.

 

Hunk, the saint that he is, is rubbing Shiro's back as he bawls, chest feeling so full it might burst and achingly hollow at the same time.

 

It's not too long before there's another knock and the worried faces of Allura and Coran appear.

 

“Shiro,” Allura says in such a soft and sympathetic tone that he starts crying harder. Lance squeezes his shoulder.

 

He doesn't want sympathy. He doesn't want cadet's pitying looks in the hallways and old colleagues’ condolences.

 

He wants Adam. Living, breathing, loving Adam.

 

Adam with his messy bedhead and plum-hued hickies on his collarbone.

 

Adam with his snort of a laugh and his passion for learning new facts and skills, semi-fluent in his fourth language.

 

Adam baking chocolate chip cookies to break the ice with Keith, who was slowly giving up on pretending he wasn't enjoying himself.

 

“I just wanted to say-” Allura knows the pain of bereavement, intimately. Shiro can hear it in her voice. “-how deeply sorry I am to hear of your loss. There… there really are no words.”

 

Coran nods wisely, brow furrowed.

 

Shiro sniffs, puffy bloodshot eyes focusing hazily on the princess, anxiously wringing her hands.

 

“Thanks.” he croaks.

 

“We're all here for you, Shiro.” Coran vocalises what his team has already shown him.

 

Allura tucks her legs under her body and leans forward on one palm. Coran crosses his legs and sits beside the nightstand.

 

They stay like that for hours; Coran laughing as he recounts sentimental tales of his adventures with King Alfor, Allura occasionally giggling as she recalls her father's antics.

 

Lance joins in with fond memories of his grandmother, and while they're not dead, Hunk misses his parents intensely, and pitches in anecdotes about his family.

 

Keith even talks about his late father, usually a subject shrouded in secrecy.

 

Pidge chips in with stories about how great a big brother Matt is, and how much she loves her parents, and the horror she felt when her father and brother were presumed dead, how she let it push her to uncover the truth.

 

Shiro begins to reminisce tearfully about Adam, Keith chiming in now and again to add a detail or to say “Remember when..?”

 

Shiro feels much more at ease by the end of the night. He has lost Adam - and he knows that will never feel right again, but he is so grateful for the family he's gained.

 

The family who let him cry with no judgement, who sit with him for hours and share stories of their loss in solidarity.

 

Shiro knows his team will be there, no matter how long it takes the wound to heal, and they all know he's got their backs just the same.


End file.
